


it's too late to turn us back

by Layni1771



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Broken Friendships, Explicit Language, Homophobia, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Woojin - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Past and Present, Romance, broken relationships, hwang hyunjin is a bitter soul, hyunjin dances and underground raps, i'm sorry i will one day learn how to tag, my mind is always full of them until i get here, seungmin and woojin are a vocal duo, seungmin is pure though, we love ourselves some supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-06-05 15:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15173816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Layni1771/pseuds/Layni1771
Summary: Hyunjin remembers years ago when he was a trainee- Happy and not poor as fuck, barely enough money to scrounge a meal a day.Then the mixtape blows up, and then he gets a collaboration offer, and then he meetshimagain.He always thought "never" would be too damn soon.





	it's too late to turn us back

**Author's Note:**

> [Edits made 12-17-2018]  
> Okay I don't even c a r e I have been working on this since May and I am finally done so I'm posting it right here and now. Basically RIP Hyunjin guys I don't even know what else to say. This fic was a bitch to write but I wanted to do it so badly and I'm just glad I don't ever have to go back to this draft ever again. This is 20k of...Something, alright.  
> Title is stolen from KARD's You In Me lyrics.  
> Warnings include: Rough language, mentioned child abuse, implied divorce, minor character death (None of the Stray Kids members!!), homophobia  
> Unedited as always, oops. I hope you enjoy and please don't forget to leave a comment!

Hyunjin watches.

It's what he does. He has been watching since he was a trainee and maybe even longer. It was by watching that he learned everyone's tricks that made their dancing that much more fluid, their raps that much clearer, their singing that much better, their facial expressions that much more suitable- He watches. He watches and copies and changes things to fit his own style so no one can say he isn't original. That's what he did when he was signed under a company and that's what he does now that he has moved on from the wasteful dream as an idol to an underground rapper and part of a dance team. Hyunjin knows how to watch and observe others to learn their secrets, but he also knows how to watch someone move ahead without you.

He knows how to watch your dream come true but for someone else, and he knows how to watch someone steal everything that you are and leave you with nothing, and Hyunjin knows how to watch someone take everything you built apart piece by piece without even seeming to realize.

So maybe he hasn't moved on from his trainees days, not at heart, but whatever. There's nothing he can do now that he's gone the path he has, and there isn't a way to take back what happened when he was in high school. So Hyunjin spits fire and dances until his feet are bruised. It's what he knows, lives, breathes, and is complimented for. He wakes up at four a.m., chokes down another breakfast, and dances at the studio until five in the evening. Then Hyunjin eats dinner if there's money and works on his raps and performs and people love him even when he doesn't show his face.

Isn't that a new feeling?

Hyunjin never imagined that his underground rapping persona, Jin.2.It would ever be more popular than when he was Hwang Hyunjin the trainee, but this is the truth. After his last mixtape, Hyunjin found himself getting attention from the non-rapping Korean music scene, and he isn't sure how he feels about it but he isn't stupid. Any chance he can get to make more money he will take, and that is how he finds himself sitting in the conference room to his old company with his friend and pseudo-manager Minho by his side. Minho is in his rival dance team but they have been friends since Hyunjin left this place and he knows just how much being there makes the boy's skin crawl. He feels physically ill but tries to school his face into a neutral expression because he knows any minute that people will be walking in and he needs to make a good impression in order to talk whatever this deal is through.

They had asked for his full set of skills before the meeting, so Hyunjin does not know whether they will want him to sing, dance, or be a pretty face in a music video. He hopes it's not the latter even though it is entirely the company's style. Minho's hand finds his thigh underneath the table and strokes it soothingly. He offers a thankful smile just as there is a knock at the door, and Hyunjin straightens up. He needs to look professional even though he remembers running down these halls a few years ago as he tried not to be late for vocal practice. He digs his thumb into his own arm and stands, bowing at the individuals who walk in without even looking at them. He is nervous at what he might find, so naturally when he opens his eyes and looks ahead, he finds exactly what he didn't want to. A sneer nearly tugs at his lips, but after this long Hyunjin has a semblance of control.

Kim Woojin isn't nearly as practiced, he finds, and the older's wide eyes make him want to snort. _You're an idol and you can't do this much?_

Beside Woojin is his duo partner, and his manager, and everyone moves on to introduce each other. Hyunjin learns that Woojin's partner is named Kim Seungmin (He tries to pretend to himself like he doesn't already know this because he doesn't, didn't, and never _cared_ ) and he doesn't spare the man himself a second glance that would possibly imply that they knew each other. Everyone sits and Hyunjin keeps his eyes on the manager. He isn't willing to look at either of the two young men on the other side of the table and he tries to conceal the light bouncing of his leg the best he can. Judging by Minho's stern look, it isn't working and he stops moving entirely with a bit of a sheepish smile in his friend's direction.

"So, to get down to the real intentions of his meeting, we believe a collaboration between Jin.2.It and Narcissus would be extremely beneficial to both parties. Narcissus lacks an appeal to a male fanbase because there is nothing other than vocals, but if we added the element of rap this can change and make the males more predisposed to their work," The manager continues in his oh-so-boring way. Hyunjin doesn't really care who gets what out of his arrangement, he just wants to make his money and be done with it so he can move on with his life, "Of course, this will bring attention to Jin.2.It from a largely female base which can open for more, ah, _conventional_ paths in the future of his career. From what I understand, you also used to train under this company and thus understand the expectations, correct?"

_All too fucking_ _well_ , is the snarky way Hyunjin wants to reply.

"I do," He nods instead and smiles.

He still refuses to meet Woojin's eyes.

 

_" Hyung!" Hyunjin calls, wrapping his arms around Woojin's neck and snuggling closer to his warm body. It is winter and he is fourteen years old, bright-eyed and becoming beautiful. Woojin is seventeen and already beautiful and he admires everything that the older boy is. They really haven't known each other that long but Hyunjin isn't one to waste time getting to know people that interest him and Kim Woojin is very interesting. He sings really prettily and his smile is always there and he is somehow so confident no matter what he does. He looks up to Woojin and so he presses his nose into his short hair and breathes in the scent of lotus gardens. He feels Woojin's hand rub the back of his head despite the awkward angle and grins, "Woojinah-hyung!"_

_"What do you call me that for?" His laughter floats on the wind and Hyunjin only grins in response, "What is it, Hyunjin?"_

_"I just wanted you to wait up for me!" He says and lets go of the older, stepping to the side and drinking in the boy's smile. The wind around them is so cold but he likes the feeling, and it makes Woojin's nose a little pink as they walk together to the company building, "How was school today?"_

_"The same as always," Woojin ruffles his hair and Hyunjin groans, a pout on his lips. He slides to the slide fluidly to escape the touch, and the action pulls a soft sigh from the other's lips. Hyunjin looks at him, concerned, but he is met with the same honeyed smile that he always is, "You move so prettily, you're definitely a dancer. Even running away you look really graceful!"_

_"I wasn't running!" Hyunjin denies. It's a bold-faced lie and he slaps his gloved hands to his cheeks, in a frankly terrible attempt to cool them even in the weather. They are red and his giggles spill from his mouth much like water over the edge of a waterfall, strong and stunning even though Woojin shakes his head in fond amusement. The pair walk in relative silence after his laughter dies down, simply enjoying the atmosphere. The dancer watches their breaths snake like a dragon's in the air, and it makes his skin tingle in happiness. He really does like to be with Woojin\- His aura is soothing and solid, warm like a soft blanket on days as cold as these. At the same time, his confidence is ever-present in the way his shoulders are held proudly back and his steps never seem to stutter. He definitely likes it, Hyunjin thinks to himself as their steps echo in the empty streets._

_Snowflakes are starting to drift down and he wonders if he will be wet by the time they arrive. He could run to the company before the snow becomes too heavy to be comfortably out in, but he enjoys spending this time alone with the older trainee. Woojin has been kind to Hyunjin since he arrived, fresh-faced and unsure what to expect. It's really intimidating to start out training, which Hyunjin expected no matter how passionate he is with dancing, but having an experienced and older trainee by his side gave him courage to do better._

_His gaze slides to Woojin yet again. The vocalist is looking to the distance, his eyes soft and just a tinge red from the wind. Hyunjin smiles._

_Kim Woojin really is pretty._

 

Hyunjin kicks off his shoes the moment he returns home, Kkami yipping once from his bed in the corner at the sight of his owner's return. Hyunjin allows a small, warm smile but it quickly falls back into the heavy frown he has worn since he and Minho left the company building. Being the friend Minho is, he did not question the way that he refused to look from the ground, replied in short sentences, and was closed off. No, instead the elder had offered a cool even if slightly sweaty hand and an affectionate roll of his eyes and talked enough for the both of them as they walked back to Hyunjin's tiny studio apartment. Everything is in one room, with the kitchen directly to his right, the couch and TV in front of him, his bed pressed against the wall to the left, and in the space farthest away his desktop. It's cramped but it's cheap and he's poor despite the way he works all day, so Hyunjin breathes in some probably-deadly mold and ventures further into his apartment.

Kkami is old, now, and he rumbles deep in his throat as Hyunjin kneels by him. His wet eyes stare in excitement. He cannot help but gently pet the soft dark fur, a sigh building up in his throat. Instead of releasing it, he leans forward and presses a firm kiss to the elderly dog's head before leaving him with a final affectionate rub. Hyunjin's body aches but it is more psychological than anything, a persistent ache in his left knee from the time he was young that appeared when he was upset or nervous. He knows it is nothing more than psychosomatic and so he does not pay the leg any special attention, making his way to the ugly green kitchen he hates so much.

Minho had invited him to dinner. He had rejected.

Something acidic wells up in his throat and Hyunjin cracks his neck. Woojin is not worth his precious time or thoughts, and yet he is here, thinking about his honey smile and angelic vocals and everything that makes him _him_. For years he has failed to truly escape the older's grasp and he wonders if he ever will. What is worse is that he knows  Woojin does not mean to have this effect on him and it makes him laugh so _bitterly_ that he could just slam his head into the wall cabinets.  Hyunjin is frustrated with himself, because he knows he needs to move on and his grasp tightens around his ramyun packet harshly enough that he hears the dry, uncooked noodles cracking.

"I fucking hate you," He says. As he says it, it is intended for Kim Woojin but he wonders if instead he has said it for himself.

Either way, his crumbled noodles are thrown into a pot of water to boil and hops over to his desktop. His USB is still plugged in with the beats his friend Jisung had sent him. Hyunjin had been so absorbed in listening to them that he had nearly been late for the meeting- Only Minho's incessant phone calls saved him from that. They are options for him to work with for his next mixtape, whenever that is, as well as a few for the dance team. Hyunjin unplugs his headphones and allows the music to fill his apartment. Kkami rolls over and begins chewing on his rubber bone. Hyunjin's hands tremble a bit but he dances his way to the kitchen again, eyes shut as he twirls and steps in intricate patterns. His knee still bothers him but he doesn't care.

Hyunjin wonders if he can really go through with this collaboration. He thinks he can act professionally enough but judging by the way Woojin stared at him nearly the whole meeting he isn't sure that the other can and he doesn't want to...To get Woojin into any trouble. He hates himself for thinking it the moment he does and Hyunjin plays idly with his phone. Maybe he should invite Jisung over- Being alone doesn't seem like the best plan right now, and he knows he just might need his best friend's overzealous dramaticism to lighten the mood tonight.

 

_Spring has come and Hyunjin sits in the park, a popsicle hanging out of his mouth as he enjoys the warming air. It is a rare day off as the company undergoes some construction and he is happy to finally be outside. He loves the sound of the children playing, the light pop music playing from some group of teenage girls a few yards away, the chirps of the birds and even the breeze rustling his hair. He feels at peace even as he desperately tries to slurp up some melting popsicle before it can drip on his white shirt. Thankfully, he succeeds and Hyunjin lounges back on the bench he has claimed on his own. It's so pleasant out he sort of never wants this moment to end, and his eyes follow a passing bee bumbling by slowly._

_Hands cover his eyes and he nearly panics, but the scent of lotus gardens washes over him almost immediately and Hyunjin cannot stop himself from grinning. He definitely doesn't want to as his fingertips linger over the long fingers laying on his face and his other hand pulls the popsicle from his mouth._

_"Hi Woojinah-hyung~" He tilts his head back and his eyes are uncovered- Now they meet mocha brown ones, and they are crinkled in a smile. It sends a flutter of joy all the way to his toes. Hyunjin is fifteen and Woojin eighteen, yet they are still close. Woojin walks around the side of the bench so he can sit at Hyunjin's side. He remembers celebrating his birthday with Woojin by playing with Kkami at the dog park and watching sci-fi movies until three a.m even though they had training at six that morning. He leans against the older trainee's side and offers his popsicle wordlessly. Woojin's lips latch to the sweet treat and Hyunjin scoffs in utter disbelief as he bites off the whole top._

_"What?" Woojin teases as he chomps obnoxiously loudly on the slush. Hyunjin shakes his head, pressing a hand to his heart._

_"I always knew you were a monster. My heart legitimately hurts. What kind of betrayal is this?" He holds his destroyed dessert close to his chest but groans when the wind blows his white shirt straight into it. He stares forlornly at the hideous red stain- His mother is going to kill him, and Hyunjin looks up at Woojin with puppy eyes, "Since you're a monster, just end me. Mom will do it more painfully than you ever could. I trust you."_

_The words "_ I trust you _" hang surprisingly heavy in the air the moment Hyunjin says it. Somehow it makes Woojin's smile crinkle even further and Hyunjin tilts his head up to get a better look. He thinks one day he'll be taller than him but until then he admires the way the sunlight shines off of Woojin's beautiful natural brown hair. Hyunjin then closes his eyes against the sun._

_"I trust you too, so I can't end you," Woojin says and Hyunjin makes a face, pressing closer to him._

_"Please?" He makes sure his eyes are watering and his lip pouty, but Woojin is firm._

_"I could never hurt you, Hyunjin, and that's a promise."_

 

The next meeting is much less formal and Hyunjin already knows he's going to hate it. Narcissus works closely with their songwriters for their music, so the point of the meeting is for Hyunjin to discuss with Woojin and Seungmin the sort of song and style they should be aiming for to mix his rap and their vocals flawlessly together. Minho was supposed to go with him even though managers were not strictly supposed to be present at the meeting, but something came up with his dance team and Hyunjin couldn't ask him to miss it. So he sits in the café of the company building, the same one he always looked at hungrily when he left evaluations, and sips on a chocolate bubble milk tea. Hyunjin wonders if he'll be able to manage to choke on a boba before the duo can show up but he finds himself quite unlucky when his name is called. He builds his smile and stands, bowing at the duo.

He notices Seungmin's hair is a little mussed.

"It's nice to see you again," He says in greeting, going for a friendly nod towards Seungmin first. He is a few months younger than Hyunjin but his singing is smooth and he wonders how the company managed to snatch him from one of the big three just to debut him with Woojin. Seungmin's vocals are liquid gold, something Hyunjin frankly cannot relate to. Seungmin bows his head in return and reluctantly Hyunjin inclines his head towards Woojin next. The older seems more awkward than shocked this time and if he weren't so worried about Seungmin catching onto something between the two of them, Hyunjin would shake his head and sigh because it's almost embarrassing how little the man seems to be able to control his emotions.

"I'm really glad you're willing to collaborate with us," Seungmin smiles as they sit down, "I really like your works, and our manager showed us a clip of you dancing! I don't want to, like, make any false accusations, but I swear that dance style is familiar. Do you work with that dance group, C-UP?"

"You've seen us?" Hyunjin asks, leaning forward in surprise. It isn't that C-UP is unpopular, but rather that no one has connected a dancer from the group to the underground rapper Jin.2.It in a long time, because Jin.2.It covers his face and does not dance. C-UP is much more his passion than Jin.2.It, but one makes more money than the other and he's trying to live and pay for Kkami's medication. So frankly he is shocked when Seungmin nods enthusiastically, clapping his hands together in front of him. Hyunjin sees the way Woojin looks at the action fondly and thinks they must be close. They have been a duo for the past few years and the start, he recalls, was not so easy. Their first few singles did not do well.

"So it is you! Wow, who would have though C-UP's Hyunjin and Jin.2.It are the same? You're such a good dancer!" The vocalist praises, and Hyunjin's cheeks flare red. It's been so long since someone has gotten excited over him like this.  _Not since you trained here_ , his mind bitterly supplies,  _Not since Woojin_, "How can you be so multi-talented? That's amazing, the only thing I'm good for is singing."

"That's not true," Woojin speaks for the first time, and he pushes Seungmin's arm lightly. He is smiling, "You're good at being pretty, too."

Seungmin shakes his head in embarrassment, but the words strike a harsh cord inside of Hyunjin. He  _hates_  that. He hates when people focus on looks and his own smile tightens. Woojin knows that. He knows just how Hyunjin feels about that and Hyunjin knows this isn't about him and it's selfish to make it so but he cannot help the sick feeling in his gut. His fingers tap anxiously on the table and he sips at his bubble tea again. Hyunjin definitely wants to get this over with, because Woojin is being everything he hates again. Woojin suddenly stiffens and it draws Hyunjin's eyes. His expression is guilty and Hyunjin realizes Woojin remembers his hatred for comments on appearance. He looks like he wants to apologize and it makes bitterness push even harder against his clenched teeth. The man does not have a right to pretend like he cares. He just _doesn't_.

"Anyway, I was hoping we could get to know you a little better so we can really get a feel on how to do this collaboration," Seungmin begins. Hyunjin thinks his smile reminds him of sunshine, suddenly, "I really want to incorporate you so you're happy with the end result. My manager told me you used to train here? When?"

"Mostly when I was in high school," He hopes the cocktail of nasty emotions isn't showing, "I started when I was fourteen, I think? And I left the company when I was eighteen, right before they brought you in and debuted Narcissus."

"Oh, so that means..." Seungmin tilts his head and looks between them. Hyunjin doesn't want to answer but he doesn't want Woojin to ruin the facade that he is trying to keep, "You two...?"

"We did train together for a long time, yeah, but we weren't too close and didn't keep in contact," Hyunjin replies with a fakely sweet smile. Woojin's hurt frown is just visible from the corner of his eye, but he has no right to feel that way. None at all. Hyunjin's gaze tilts down to his milk tea and he feels the strongest urge to pour it all over the blond's head. He swallows thickly instead.

"That's cool," He gives Woojin that sort of _Why didn't you tell me?_ look and then turns back to the dancer, who has some sinking feeling in his stomach that he can't explain, "What kind of dancing do you like to do most? Any other hobbies besides the whole underground rapping, dance team thing?"

"Oh, I really like to do urban dance!" It's finally a topic Hyunjin can invest himself in, and he focuses on the warm brown of Seungmin's eyes, "I know a lot of styles but that's my favorite. Normally you see C-UP do a lot of pure pop and hip-hop, though. We haven't really had a chance to expand which is a shame, but the members pretty much all have other things thy work on outside of the team, you know? Urban is, like, a mix of all of it, you know? I think popping and B-boying are the most fun, though. Dancing is my favorite thing to do, I mean I used to swim competitively as a kid, but...I don't really have time for anything else either. Gotta pay rent and feed the dog, myself if I'm lucky. All work, but luckily my work is play too, you know? I'm glad that I can still do it even if it's hard, because not everyone can. My poor dog Kkami gets left home alone a lot, but he understands. Dancing is just like _breathing_ to me."

He doesn't even realize he has full-on ranted until he stops and the duo are looking at him with their full attention. His cheeks flush because he hasn't gotten vocal about his passions in perhaps _years_ , and he inwardly cringes at his overuse of the phrase "you know." Hyunjin definitely remembers using way too much and he coughs behind his hand, but before he can apologize he spots the nostalgic look in Woojin's eyes and it frankly makes him want to puke.

 

_Woojin is lounging on  Hyunjin's back porch like he owns the place instead of having apparently snuck back there while Hyunjin was out on a quick grocery trip. He is not expecting the mop of brown hair next to Kkami's water bowl, and it sort of makes his heart race in the _"I'm going to be fucking murdered by an intruder in my own house" _sort of way, but he quickly recognizes it and a smile breaks out on his face. He sets his shopping bags on his counter, happy to be able to do at least that small chore for his mother, before he slides open the glass door to the backyard. He hangs on it and over Woojin's head. The older's eyes are closed, his dark eyelashes catching small bits of pollen. They match well with his honey skin, and something undeniably tingly strikes Hyunjin as he stares. He only giggles when Woojin opens one eye and catches his gaze._

_"Oh, the kid came back," Woojin mumbles sleepily, rubbing his eyes. Hyunjin cries out in mock-offense, clutching his heart with his free hand._

_"The kid? Is that all I am to you, hyung?" Almost like the question concerns him, Woojin's previously relaxed expression turns serious, and Hyunjin is startled when he sits up and turns around, grasping at Hyunjn's shirt. He pulls at the blue fabric until the younger kneels down. His eyebrows furrow in confusion. Woojin's change in character worries him, and he can feel his heart rate begin to pick up. He doesn't like worrying for the older._

_" Hyunjin, you are very important to me," Woojin starts. He hold the eye contact with his fellow trainee with no hesitation, "You're so precious to me I don't think you can even understand it. I'm so glad we met and I'll never regret it, okay? Thank you for being you."_

_There are a few beats of silence in which Hyunjin isn't sure how to react. His heart is racing now for a reason completely unrelated to worry, and his cheeks and ears feel so warm he's sure it's visible. But still, the other isn't looking away, isn't breaking out in a silly grin as he exclaims _"Just kidding~," _he isn't doing any of the things Hyunjin expects and he knows that the throbbing in his fingertips is his pulse. It's dulled a bit by the traces of electricity he feels when Woojin's hand lays atop his own, and finally the boy breaks out in a smile. He misses the way Woojin is taken aback by the intensity of it, because he is just so _happy _._

_"You're precious to me too, hyung. Let's be friends forever, okay?" Hyunjin daringly ignores all of the warning bells in his head and tilts forward on the balls of his feet, his arms reaching around the elder's sweaty back- _It's hot out _, he remembers- And squeezing tightly. He smells his favorite lotus garden, and Hyunjin sighs in happiness, "What a weird Woojinah-hyung I have. He breaks into my house and then thanks me for being me- Like I could be anyone else."_

_"You're the one who's weird!" He defends, "You call me Woojinah-hyung! Who does that?"_

_"Duh, me," Hyunjin responds cheekily. The boy pulls out of their hug and stands, offering the older his hand, "C'mon, I bought some yummy cold cucumber soup we can have. It's even tastier when you add chili paste!"_

_"Isn't cucumber soup supposed to be refreshing?" Woojin asks in a deadpan. His right brow is raised._

_"It's ultra-refreshing with chili paste," Hyunjin sticks his tongue out, and the vocalist's laughter rings clear as a bell through his house. Just the sound of it really makes him happy, and he wonders why as they begin to pull the groceries out together. More pressing of a concern is why Woojin is here all by himself. It's not uncommon for him to decide to visit his house out of the blue, when they do not have lessons, but he normally shoots Hyunjin a text to make sure he's present in his own home. If not, he waits until the younger teenager is before showing up. Today he did not do that and it makes him feel concerned, but looking at his wide smile, Hyunjin thinks maybe he doesn't need to know why. So long as Woojin is here, that's all that matters to him. He is like a safety blanket, an anchor in the stressful world of training and music they live in._

_Woojin is the one who keeps him on schedule and on-task, who helps him when he struggles with improving his singing, who assists him in the stretches and who keeps him sane when training gets too monotonous to bear. He comes to  Hyunjin's house when the day ends too late because it is closer than his own and he sleeps in Hyunjin's bed with him like nothing is strange about it. Between them, it isn't strange, and he likes that. Woojin treats Hyunjin's house like his second home and it always makes him feel fluttery inside. He also drinks Coca Cola at one a.m. and buys chicken whenever they go to the Han River together, and likes to shop. Woojin hates selfishness just as much as Hyunjin hates eating eggplant, and is amazing at singing._

_He just makes Hyunjin _happy _. Woojin adds a sense of security to his life, and a feeling of, well, warmth, or something. He doesn't know how quite to describe the way the older's presence makes his toes curl and his eyes teary with laughter and something else and...Yeah, Kim Woojin means a lot to him and he can never wipe the grin off his face when the vocalist is around._

 

"Why did I agree to this?" Hyunjin mopes to Jisung, who is slurping on ramyun he stole from the former loudly in his living room. Jisung is younger than him by a few months and he acts like it. Hyunjin is that hardened, weary twenty-something whereas his friend is the energetic, dramatic kid. Jisung says that Hyunjin is just bitter and disheartened. Hyunjin gives him the middle finger. As it is, in that moment they are sitting together- Well, Hyunjin is laying his whole upper body in his friend's lap, dangerously in range of the other's slurpy-noodley mess. Kkami is pressed against the back of Hyunjin's knees, since Jisung had, as always, taken pity on him and lifted him to the couch with them. Hyunjin's brain is a tangled mess of incoherent agony because of Kim Woojin and he just cannot stand it.

"Because you want to eat more than this ramyun I stole?" Jisung responds, and earns himself a strong elbow straight to the thigh. Hyunjin ignores his pained cry.

"I should have asked if they had any other offers. There's no reason for me to put myself through this, I fucking deserve better after this long," He tries to convince himself, Jisung, Kkami, God, basically anyone willing to listen. Also he's pretty damn sure that no one in that whole list wants to listen and Hyunjin smacks the back of his head against Jisung's crotch. The younger groans in pain again, slamming his chopsticks in the plastic bowl.

"Jesus Hyunjinnie, please stop forgetting that it's an actual person you're laying on," Jisung chokes out, leaning his head back against the couch. Hyunjin would feel a little bad but this is Jisung, the one who makes pretty much all of his tracks and raps so much better but refuses to do it. Hyunjin gets to bully him however he wants. It's not even bullying if you ask him, so it definitely doesn't count. He is the sort of friend that will say all of the wrong things at the wrong time but still all of the right things at the right time, and Hyunjin is absolutely looking for the latter. The collaboration itself is going quite well despite all of the circumstances. The track Narcissus and their team have come up with is actually pretty genius in his humble opinion, and Minho was given the guide to pass along to him early that morning. His rapping part was absolutely killer, and especially with Woojin's smooth vocals and Seungmin's dynamic voice? The song is going to wreck the charts, he can feel it. Hyunjin does feel some excitement to record it- He also really wants to know the guys who recorded that guide because it was _amazing_. And it is absolutely a song that he can _dance to_ , he feels it in his bones every time he plays it. Immediately his muscles contract and he wants to move.

But that is all beside the point. The point is, Hyunjin hates that he has agreed to do this. He hates spending time with Woojin and seeing him act all buddy-buddy with Seungmin who, well...Hyunjin's spent the better part of his time out of high school hating the very concept of Kim Seungmin. He represents all of the failures he went through in that time, everything he lost. He has always hated him from afar without giving him a chance, but actually Hyunjin rather likes him. And even that pisses him off, because Seungmin is supposed to be one half of his most hated thing. He is supposed to be a center of hatred just like Woojin is, but now that he knows him Hyunjin literally doesn't think he can be, especially when the _other_ one makes him so uncomfortable and angry all the time. He hates the way  Woojin never stops looking at him with that _expression_ , how he never stops trying to get them alone so they can talk, how he still makes something tick off in Hyunjin's heart.

There's not shit for them to talk about and Woojin needs to stop, but apparently he doesn't understand the concept of personal boundaries. It's not like he's surprised, since the asshat used to break into his house without asking if he could. No, he'd just send a text asking if Hyunjin was home and if the answer was yes, he'd pop up thirty second later because he was already there and waiting. It's an infuriating memory and Hyunjin groans again. Jisung seems to realize that his friend actually needs him and he sets his noodles precariously on the arm of the couch. Already, the dancer is mourning the mess he's going to have to clean out of his floors when it inevitably gets knocked over.

"Jin, listen," Jisung begins. He hasn't know Hyunjin as long as Minho, but he is also the only one who knows the full story behind Woojin. Minho just knows about the company, and he doesn't know why he doesn't feel like he can't admit the whole situation to the older dancer. Still, Minho watches just as much as Hyunjin does, and he thinks he's put a lot of it together on his own. He shuts his eyes and shifts, burying his face in Jisung's thigh, "It's been years. It hurts and it's shitty and honestly I don't like the sound of Woojin at. He screwed you over and he..."

The boy hesitates at his words. Hyunjin knows he was about to use the phrase " _he hurt you_ " but he cannot stand hearing that phrase. Jisung knows it, and he quickly rewords his sentence.

"He fucked you up badly," He decides elegantly, "Even I could tell that, and I came at the tail-end of things while Minho hyung was just finishing messily slapping your pieces back together. And he did it at the worst time possible. None of that sounds like a decent guy to me, and I honestly wish you _hadn't_ worked with him. You should have said "fuck no" and asked to, like, work with one of the other artists instead. But you didn't and now you have to deal with the consequences. It's just how it is. And like I said, it's been years. Maybe you can use this as an opportunity to move on, for real this time. Plus, money and eating is good."

"Yeah, thanks for stealing my breakfast, douche," Hyunjin ignores everything else he has said. Jisung knows he's heard him. It's up to Hyunjin what to do with his thoughts.

"Any time, Jin. I'll bring you a bagel sandwich tomorrow- How does real food sound?" His stomach rumbles loudly in response, and they break out in bright, semi-hysterical laughter, all tangled and flailing limbs. Kkami barks along from the corner of the couch he has claimed. Hyunjin only feels slight regret when the ramyun does, in fact, splatter all over his floor.

 

_Hyunjin realizes with startling clarity that he's probably in love with Kim  Woojin. It's only a probably because he's only, what, turning seventeen? He isn't sure if almost-seventeen-year-olds know what love is, but he does know that Kim Woojin has been in his life for over two years now and he can't imagine it any other way anymore. He doesn't think he'd be anywhere without the older's inviting eyes and warm hugs, lotus garden perfume and silk-soft touches. Well, actually, his fingertips are pretty rough from playing guitar but when he touches Hyunjin it is comfortable and light. He makes him feel important, cared for, heard, and leaves that indescribable feeling inside of Hyunjin. It's a beautiful feeling. At nearly-seventeen, Hyunjin's best friend is named Yang Jeongin and he's a year below him. He worries relentlessly about his "love" situation._

_"I dunno hyung, doesn't it seem kind of dangerous?" He asks, sipping on an iced tea. Jeongin's face isn't smiling which is a rare sight. When he doesn't smile, his eyes come off too strongly so he always tries to keep one on. Still, Hyunjin doesn't see the problem and it shows on his expression. Jeongin groans, shaking his head, "It's, like, what if you two debut together? You're already training together, so it's totally possible. If you do, couldn't that cause problems? With group dynamics and all. Ugh, I don't know, I just feel nervous about it."_

_"You're my best friend, shouldn't you be happy for me?" Hyunjin asks. He means for it to come out lightly but he doesn't realize how hurt he is by the lack of support until he says the words and they are raw when they hit the air. His best friend's face contorts in absolute horror, and before he can reassure Jeongin that _it's okay _, the younger boy is already taking his hands._

_"Of course I'm happy for you, hyung. I'm sorry if it comes out any differently," Hyunjin doesn't like this. Jeongin has been too serious recently and it makes him nervous. He doesn't want the younger's apologies or affirmations or any of that, but for some reason tears are pricking at his eyes the moment he feels the skin contact. Hyunjin isn't even sure what he's upset about anymore, if it's the fact that Jeongin doesn't want him to like Woojin or the way that Jeongin has been scaring the hell out of him with the bruises that peak from long shirt sleeve and low collars and his change in attitude, but he definitely is. Maybe it's both. He doesn't know but his chest aches and Jeongin is pulling him into a hug he cannot refuse, "I'm sorry, hyung, please don't cry."_

_Hyunjin clings to  Jeongin but he thinks about how much he wants to smell lotus gardens instead of strawberries._

 

He cannot escape the inevitable time where they end up alone. He knows that he just isn't that skilled at running away. No, that's Woojin's area of expertise, actually. And unfortunately it makes him that much better at catching, too. Narcissus and Jin.2.It have been running through their parts together all afternoon in preparation for the actual recording that will take place next week. They sound amazing together but it reminds Hyunjin way too much of being a trainee and it makes him shiver in something akin to disgust. Honestly, he's getting really tired of naming the things he's feeling but when Seungmin suddenly gets whisked away to talk over an individual schedule, he knows that the emotion that's screaming in his ears is _panic_ as he tries to find a viable excuse to up and leave the building for the day. His brain supplies him with nothing and he is left alone in the room with  Woojin.

The older is playing with a stray thread that's hanging from his hoodie. It's such a painfully familiar habit to watch and Hyunjin turns away. To most people it's a clear sign to shut up and not talk to him, but Woojin is a special brand of stupid and it instead gives him the courage to start speaking.

"You grew up really well," He says softly and Hyunjin's eyes narrow in a glare towards the jumble of cords in the corner.

He doesn't respond.

"I'm glad to see you working with music. You're still really passionate, huh?" He has no intent of playing this game and still says nothing. The vocalist presses forward, undeterred, "That's good. I'm happy to see you after all this time, Jinnie."

And that snaps at the back of Hyunjin's neck like a rubber band on wrist.

"Don't say that," He manages. He doesn't want to make this a huge deal, because it just isn't worth it. He doesn't scream all of the words that are building like water against a dam. The pressure in Hyunjin's throat is nearly unbearable at that point, but he knows that keeping his cool is essential. He refuses to let Woojin see how much he still affects him. He isn't here to rekindle old flames or friendships, he isn't here to pretend like nothing ever happened, he is here to make money and that's  _it_. The bitterness he has been tasting for years is brewing so strongly, and  Hyunjin's hand twitches. He isn't sure what he wants to do with it but he definitely does- He's pretty sure he's holding back the urge to either hit himself or Woojin.

"Why not?" Hyunjin knows that Woojin isn't oblivious. He can see the guilt in his eyes, and it is satisfying. Whatever the blond is feeling is only a fraction of what he has felt through all of these years, Hyunjin is confident. Nothing can compare to what he went through and he hopes that Woojin knows that. He also hopes that the older is looking at his fierce eyes and realizing that Hyunjin won't let him ruin his life forever, that he has been strong enough to move past that shit (Somewhere in him, he has. He really has. He holds resentment but he did _not_ ever stop going after even the slightest taste of what he wanted.  Hyunjin is too determined and passionate for that. It's confusing to him, because part of him has moved on and the other half is still wet with tears.) and Woojin means nothing.

"Do you need to ask, really?" He sighs, running a hand through his hair, "Don't start this with me. You don't know me and I don't know you, not really. Remember? Hell, I'm not even sure that's a lie, so let's just quit here."

"But I-"

"Can't you just fucking respect me?" Hyunjin asks, and he finally dares to look straight at him, not just quick glances or from the corner of his eye. It _hurts_ , but he does it because he knows the point will not come across if he doesn't, "That's all I'm asking. Fucking respect me and listen to what I'm saying."

Woojin falls silent. He is playing with the string on his hoodie sleeve again. Hyunjin shuts his eyes and waits for Seungmin to come back. He doesn't want to watch. Woojin's presence is overwhelming. Hyunjin doesn't like being here, it's making him even more sick than the initial visit to the company for the first time in years. Sometimes he wishes that life were simpler, and by simpler he means that Kim Woojin didn't exist in the first place.

 

_"You're not okay," Woojin says when he sees Hyunjin. It's three a.m., and he's right, Hyunjin doesn't feel very okay. He feels feverish and his eyes ache with the heat, his ears are processing sounds like his head is dunked under water, his body is absolutely jittery and he thinks he might collapse right then and there. Really, Hyunjin isn't sure how he ended up at Woojin's house at three a.m. on a school night when he's definitely sick, but he remembers something about a dream involving some sort of plane crash and a lot of crying, and is Hyunjin crying right now? He must be, since Woojin's calloused fingers are wiping away moisture, "How did you even get here, Jinnie?"_

_"I- Woojin, _Woojin _," He gurgles, somewhere forgetting his manners, somewhere forgetting Woojin's nickname. He feels so _sick _, he wants to curl up and die, but Woojin is leading him inside with a gentle yet firm grip, whispering into his drowning ears. Hyunjin has only been in the house two or three times before, very briefly to let the older grab some of his things. It's farther away from the company, it's really sort of far away from _everywhere _, and he doesn't understand why that makes his stomach drop even lower. He grasps at it, moaning, and Woojin is carefully settling him into a soft blue couch. His presence is strong but comforting, wrapping around Hyunjin like a blanket. He wants to snuggle into it, the sense of security._

_Nothing bad can happen to him, is what it feels like, when Woojin is around._

_"Plenty of bad things can happen when I'm around," The older chuckles, "Oh, Jinnie, you really have no filter when you're sick, do you? My poor baby."_

_It doesn't sound condescending, or even patronizing. The vocalist sounds sincerely sorry that he isn't feeling well, but it's hard for Hyunjin's overheated head to really understand. He just knows the way his lungs feel like they are filled with cotton and that every joint and muscle aches. Maybe he shouldn't have gone so hard at practice, but he had been so close to getting that move right and Hyunjin hadn't imagined he was this close to getting this sick. A whine builds up in his throat and he feels pathetic, crying on Woojin's couch because he just doesn't feel _good _. The boy's parents are probably sleeping and he tries to bury it in his arms._

_"It's okay Hyunjin, hyung is here. I'm going to make you tea and call your mom, okay? Just try to stay comfortable, let it all out."_

_Hyunjin doesn't remember coming here, and he definitely doesn't remember telling his mom he was leaving and it's three a.m. She probably has no idea he is gone, and if she does she's panicking.  Hyunjin is so grateful for Woojin and the older's velvet lips that press to his sweaty forehead as he slips into sleep._

_He wakes up hours later on the same couch, more coherent but in no way feeling better. When Hyunjin opens his eyes to see Woojin curled up, half on the floor and half snuggled into Hyunjin's stomach, something in his heart does a strange pull. He feels like hell but Woojin is _there _, sleeping in the world's most uncomfortable position at nine a.m. They're missing school, and it makes him feel all the more special. Tears prick his eyes because Woojin values him enough to sacrifice comfort and grades and it just...Hyunjin loves him. He loves the golden glow of his skin and he loves the stupid sense of humor and he loves the warm hugs and the way he feels when he is with Woojin._

_With a hand that still has tremors running through it with this fever Hyunjin feels in every part of his body, he runs his fingers through Woojin's soft, thick hair. It's relaxing, and the older shifts just slightly into the touch in his sleep. Hyunjin counts it as a victory and wonders how he can ever repay Woojin for everything that he has done._

 

"Minho hyung, I want to go back to being just an underground rapper and dancer," Hyunjin says, "Fuck this "career expansion" shit we're working on. Think about it, you being my pseudo-manager means you dance less and _me_ expanding my career means _I_ dance less and like wow doesn't that suck?"

"Shut up, Hyunjin," Minho flicks a grain of rice at him, "I already dedicated myself to this, be grateful. We both need money, you more than me, so this is actually good for you. Besides, isn't this what you wanted growing up? To be on a real stage instead of just rapping in the corner of clubs and dancing in the streets of Seoul? Hwang Hyunjin is being a disappointment right now, call back again later."

He pouts at that, kicking at Minho even though they are in public. He manages to miss and the older raises an unimpressed brow. Hyunjin's life sucks. Tomorrow they are going to meet the producers of the collaboration track, who are also apparently the ones who recorded the whole guide and like,  _shit whoever they are, they are the definition of talented_. Like, wow,  Hyunjin has not been this impressed by artists in years, and these guys aren't even professional singers or rappers. They're apparently the two who work with Seungmin and unfortunately Woojin on all of their music. He's sort of afraid he'll be a little starstruck but also he's Hwang Hyunjin\- There is nothing to be starstruck over. He may not be an idol, but he has always had the perfect makings of one.

_You were going to be_ , his mind whispers.

_I'm with Minho hyung, Hwang Hyunjin is being a disappointment right now, call back again later_, he thinks back.

"Seriously though, we're way too far to call it quits now. I've heard this song, Hyunjin, and you can really break into mainstream music like this. After, you'll probably be able to one-man agency this. Well, two-man, because you're useless without me," Minho flicks his bangs out of his eyes with a smirk, and Hyunjin barely manages to not choke on his smoothie, "Or maybe you'll even get offers to sign with a real company. Either way, I have your back Hyunjin. I'll follow you wherever you need me to, but whatever you do, don't let your past interfere with your future. You're going to have fun tomorrow, recording the track, I know it. And don't forget the dance practices. Loser."

"You can't just be nice?" Hyunjin sighs.

"It goes against my charm," Minho smiles. Honestly, he isn't wrong, but Hyunjin also knows from watching that Lee Minho is a whole fucking softie who comforts him whenever he needs it. He links arms with his fellow dancer and keeps eating the strange rice roll the older bought him. He hasn't eaten in two days, after all. His stomach has been screaming at him but Kkami needed medicine to deal with his tummy problems. Hyunjin can always wait to eat.

 

_"What do you mean- What's happening?" Hyunjin asks as he grasps at Jeongin's skinny arms. The younger has a bruise blossoming on his jaw, and his tongue is poking at a scab on his lip. His posture is positively swallowing itself, his voice hesitant and fearful. Hyunjin knows his dad hits him now, they've talked about it, and he has begged the boy to let him do something about it, but he was always rejected. And now...And now that something has happened he isn't sure what he's going to do. Tears are thick in his throat already._

_"I told my mom like you told me too- When she called me last night, you know? I, I told her what he's been doing and she got really upset. I mean, I get it. Obviously. But she said she was coming down to get me today and she was going to court and I just- Hyung, that's not what I wanted. I don't want to go back to Busan with her," Jeongin's voice drops to a whisper at the end, and it makes Hyunjin feel even worse because his emotions are all mixed up. He knows that leaving his dad is what's best for Jeongin, that he deserves better than to be knocked around like this. The very thought makes his stomach roil with anger. He has been flowing between anger and sadness for months now, after finding out. So Hyunjin knows that for Jeongin's safety, Jeongin's future, he needs to get out of this place._

_He also knows Jeongin's mom holds an irrational hate for him, and that she's protective of her son. He makes eye contact with his best friend, and he realizes that the boy knows it just as well as he does. They will not meet again. This is the end of the line for them. Hyunjin can already see how it will go, how they will never text or call each other or meet for ice cream or have sleepovers. The very moment Jeongin spilled his biggest secret to his mother, those times came to an end- It's just the truth and Hyunjin's heart is selfishly wishing this wasn't true. His mind disgustingly wants it to be that the boy hadn't said a word._

_Hyunjin hates himself for it as he wraps his long arms around his best friend's hurting body.  Jeongin is breathing so heavily, he must be lightheaded and Hyunjin wants to make it go away. He pulls Jeongin with him to his bed, tucking his chin over the boy's shoulder. The sheets wrap around them like a shield from the cold world they've been made to live in.  
_

_"It's okay to cry, Innie," He says. He knows he wants to._

_"If I cry, none of this was a dream though?" It doesn't really make sense, but it does. Hyunjin wishes it's all a dream, too. It's not. Crying makes it feel more real, and that's why he can't decide whether to let the sobs tear from his throat or press them down to where they are only choking him but at least no one hears them._

_" Innie," Hyunjin whispers, petting his hair, "I love you."_

_"I love you too, hyung," Jeongin makes himself smaller in Hyunjin's arms, "I'm sorry I'm a bad friend."_

_"You're not bad, you're the best."_

_"I want you to be happy," He says meaningfully. Hyunjin knows he is talking about Woojin._

_"I know."_

 

Hyunjin is absolutely shocked when he finds out that Narcissus' creative team for their music is made up of Bang Chan and Seo Changbin\- The former Woojin's age, the latter just a year older than himself. It's even more amazing than before, and Hyunjin is enthralled in the way they explain the music and how the recording process will go. They are professional but personable, obviously close friends with Woojin and Seungmin. Chan reminds him of the push and pull of ocean waves, actually. He is a force that drags you along but also pushes you ahead of him, sometimes forceful and other times calming. His dimples and naturally curly hair give him the friendliest vibe and Hyunjin really likes it. He's awestruck by the man, really, and he's really not better when it comes to Changbin. He's small, way smaller than Hyunjin but his dark clothes and resting face give him a serious and almost intimidating aura. Then he speaks and his voice is filled with passion, his words young and his smile surprisingly bright. Hyunjin watches, and so he knows within the first few minutes of meeting the two that they are a couple of a few years. He likes how boldly Chan tucks back pieces of Chanbin's bangs.

So yeah, starstruck Hwang Hyunjin is the most embarrassing Hwang Hyunjin, and unfortunately Minho is present to make fun of him for it all later. Great. Hyunjin loves his life and his lack of a filter.

"Okay but you're cute," Hyunjin blurts out to Chan when the older runs his hand through his hair as he asks a question. Dead silence follows his sudden declaration that is supposed to be an answer for _have you ever recorded in a professional studio before_. Fuck. He shoots an awkward smile towards Minho before violently backtracking, "I mean, like, your hair is sort of distracting. It's, like, curly? Yeah, I recorded in a professional studio once as a trainee but the producer was a balding middle-aged guy so like, this is probably different. More similar to recording stuff for Jin.2.It, I think?"

That is a whole mess of fucking words that he regrets. Changbin is smirking at him like, _yeah, you're whipped_ and like,  Hyunjin's not. He's just fanboying really awkwardly, it's different, and so he avoids Chan's gaze and finds Woojin's amused one which is _ew_.  Hyunjin cannot win. He remembers back when he was a confident teenager who didn't fuck everything up all the time and dared to do what he wanted. Those days are long, _long_ gone and he can feel the heat in his cheeks.

"You were a trainee a while ago from what I understand, so it's definitely going to be a little different," Chan is kind enough to just offer a dimply smile instead of making Hyunjin feel like the idiot he is. He appreciates it more than the older could know, and he nods along as the man goes through the process. It really is similar to what he goes through with Jisung, perhaps a little more formal, so he isn't as nervous when he steps into the recording booth. His lines sit in front of him and the headphones squeeze his skull a little tightly, but as he stands there it brings him back to the past when Woojin made strange faces behind the producer's head to relieve him from all of the insults and criticisms he was receiving. All of the words that told him he was a pretty face with no talent- Woojin protected him from those in the past. Now Hyunjin protects himself, and that's why he shakes himself out of his own head and begins on cue.

He realizes that it's very different from that time years ago. Chan lets him try things with his own style the first few times, lets him get a feel for it all. There is no sharp words ripping his confidence to shreds, there is no pointed _you're doing it wrong_ , there is no _just fucking do it the way I said to_. Instead there is  Changbin complimenting him first and then offering pointers in the right direction, Seungmin calling out tips from his seat on the couch, Chan's gentle encouragement- This is what Hyunjin wanted back then and it's freeing. Fulfilling. He feels like he is soaring and he knows the smile he directs at Minho nearly makes his eyes disappear completely. His fellow dancer's soft grin in return makes his eyes a little watery, but no one sees that.

The best part? Woojin isn't saying a damn thing to ruin the moment. _Maybe he can do some things right_.

Hyunjin is just finishing when Changbin suddenly calls for a break, and that's when Woojin finally speaks.

"Really, stopping recording for your boyfriend _again_?" He says it teasingly, with twinkling eyes.  Hyunjin hates that he notices that, but Chan shrugs.

"Our _boyfriend_ is bringing you food, so I wouldn't really complain if I were you. I could eat it all instead," Well, that's a bit startling to hear but hey,  Hyunjin isn't going to turn down free food from apparently Chan and Changbin's boyfriend, so when a pretty kid with bleached blond hair, freckles, and bright smiles enters with bags of food, who the hell is he to complain? He's starving, the only thing he's had to eat in the past few days is the weird rice roll Minho bought him, so he introduces himself to Lee Felix and does not hesitate to eat anything that comes his way.

"You're acting like you haven't eaten in three days," Seungmin comments through a mouthful of his own food.

"He hasn't," Minho answers for him since Hyunjin is too busy shoving a piece of lettuce-wrapped meat down his throat. He needs to slow down but it's delicious. Sure, when you're half-starved all the time, most things are delicious but this food is particularly yummy and he makes a mental note to ask Felix where this all came from. One day sooner or later he'll have the money to treat himself and this is absolutely what he wants. Quiet follows the statement, which makes Hyunjin feel a little self-conscious, "I bought him a snack yesterday but I don't think he ate the two days before that, right, Jin?"

"Nope," He pops the _p_ , hoping to lighten the increasingly-tense atmosphere, "I don't have a lot of money since my mom died. I used everything she left me to pay off her debts, and doing what I do doesn't actually make you anything."

"Plus his dog is sick, since he's getting so old, all his money goes to medicine," Minho adds, "That's the life of a dancer, and underground rapper I guess in Hyunjin's case."

"Your mom died? Kkami is sick?" Woojin's eyes are wide as he chokes the questions out and Hyunjin curses internally. He had forgotten- Well, chosen to forget- That the elder knew both his mom and Kkami quite well. His smile tightens.

"Oh yeah, you met them both once when I was a trainee, right?" His words are a forced calm. He hates it, he hates the vulnerable look in the singer's eyes and he tries to ignore the way that his breath is getting wetter and wetter, "Yeah, Mom got sick from working too much. Being a single mother wasn't easy on her. Kkami's just old so he has some stomach issues, the medicine will clear it up soon. I've been poor pretty much since I graduated, I'm used to not eating for a few days at a time. It's not a big deal, my friends help me out when they have the extra money."

Chan looks insanely worried, Changbin is frowning- It's not hard for Hyunjin to get why. He's sitting in this recording studio with not-fashionably ripped jeans, a T-shirt that should not be as baggy as it is, a leather jacket that is clearly years old (He picked it up from a homeless shelter back when he was pretty much just that), and dirty sneakers. His earrings (Which he had won in a bet with another dancer) gave it the appearance that he was going for a certain style. But Chan and Changbin were sitting in designer clothes, relaxed and comfortable at where they were in life. Well, Hyunjin isn't relaxed or comfortable but it's not like he's...Suffering, that badly. There are people who have less. Woojin's eyes burn into him. He plays with the rice in front of him.

"Well, keep eating, recording is hard work! You need more energy," Felix's smile is like a ray of winter's sunshine, his deep voice magically wrapping around the room.

Hyunjin watches, and notices Woojin squeeze Seungmin's hand as the younger makes his way into the booth when recording starts back up.

 

_Hyunjin's mom is working again, and  Woojin lays next to him on his bed, their legs tangled together as they watch a video on his phone. It's a dance routine they had practiced together earlier that day. Hyunjin's sharp eyes narrow in on the choreography, scanning and searching for any errors. Off-beat, wrong steps, an incomplete move, he wants to find it all. He's impressed by how well Woojin is keeping up with him. It's harder to keep track of both of them when they're dancing, so he always tries to record and look over it later. Woojin's warm breath is clinging to the top of his head and he snuggles closer, his heart beating steadily in his chest. Hyunjin's always so aware of his heartbeat when Woojin is around, he thinks that's what love does to someone._

_The video comes to an end and Hyunjin hums in satisfaction. He has some things he needs to work on, but Woojin has come a long way from when Hyunjin first joined the company, and he doesn't think there's anything he needs to point out. Instead, he wants to take advantage of this sweet, comfortable moment. They haven't said anything, but he thinks they might be a couple. The older has a series of smiles reserved just for Hyunjin, brushes back his bangs, holds his hand, cuddles with him, takes him out- It sounds just like dating to Hyunjin, and it makes his heart flutter. His mind drifts to Jeongin, and a sad smile finds its place. _I'm happy, Innie _, he thinks, and turns to face Woojin's broad chest._

_When he turns, the boy is looking at him with such overwhelmingly warm eyes and an affectionate expression. Hyunjin's cheeks color red and he whines in embarrassment, tilting his face down._

_"What are you looking at me like that for, hyung?" He asks, a pout strong on his lips. Woojin's laugh is melodic. Hyunjin loves it._

_"You're just so amazing, Jinnie," Woojin says. Hyunjin is aware of his heartbeat, and the beats blend together at the words. He watches the older's expression shift and change as he speaks. It's the prettiest thing he's ever seen, "Your talent is stunning, your personality is so humble and beautiful, your laugh is addicting- How does someone like you even exist in real life? I'm so lucky to know you. You never turn me away, Jinnie, you're always there for me. I appreciate that more than you could imagine."_

_"You talk too much, Woojinah-hyung!" Hyunjin giggles, his hand coming up to brush away a stray eyelash from Woojin's cheek, "What, you aren't even going to tell me all about my good looks?"_

_There's something bitter in it. He knows where the company finds his worth, and it's not in his skills. Hyunjin is more than a pretty face, so he hates to hear people talk about how he's _such a visual _, and_ oh, what a pretty boy _. He hates it, but more than that he loves teasing his precious hyung. The person that's become so important to him through time. The one that makes him feel so happy and cared for._

_The one that just smiles at his words and wraps and arm around him, pressing their bodies closer together. Hyunjin's eyes slide closed, and he sighs in pleasure. It's just the best feeling, being this close to Woojin, and he's feeling a little daring today. With a heartbeat that's increasing in pace with each second that passes, Hyunjin shifts and presses his plump lips to Woojin's neck, leaving a soft kiss and breathing over it for a few moments before settling back down in the elder's arms. He does not miss the way Woojin kisses the top of his head in return, his hold just a little tighter._

 

Hyunjin's not late for dance practice, not really. It's just that C-UP needed to nail their new choreo, and he is the one that made it. The team needs Hyunjin to be there so he can keep an eye on the choreography, point out any mistakes that the others just can't see because they didn't put it together, to lead the team because it's his turn. So he's not exactly _late_ to dance practice, he's just going from one to the next and, well, C-UP is his first commitment. These days it feels like  Hyunjin's forgetting that and it makes him feel like shit. They tell him it's okay, that they understand, that this chance is _huge_ for him and he should focus on it, and yeah, maybe he should. But Kim  Woojin ruins everything and Hyunjin is dedicated to C-UP. He is one of the founding members, after all.

But even if he is a founding member of C-UP, he's also supposed to be working on this collab with Narcissus and he's _technically late_ according to the rest of the world's standards, so he bolts through the old and familiar hallways, lungs burning bright white and the lights sort of hurting his eyes. He pushes himself, because he's done more than this before. He danced for the past four hours straight, calling out mistakes and fixing others, and then ran three miles to the company, and now he's here running to the practice rooms. In comparison to how far he's pushed himself in the past, this is nothing, and  Hyunjin bursts into the practice room supposedly late. Woojin and Seungmin are sitting pressed against each other, Woojin running his fingers through Seungmin's hair when he comes in. The sound of his wheezing lungs and the sweat dripping down his face is apparently a cause for concern, though, because both are standing in the next moment, Seungmin trying to get him to sit.

"No, I'm fine, I'm good, it's good-" Hyunjin insists, despite the way his legs are fucking trembling underneath his weight and the way his stomach is trying to throw itself up since there's nothing inside of it to upchuck instead. It's not a new feeling so he really wants Seungmin's hand off his lower back, but when Woojin's comes to press on his forehead he is _livid_ and rips away with a snarl.

"Hyunj-" He doesn't wanna let the fucker get a word in.

"Don't touch me. I said I was fine," He leans against the mirror. Sweat has drenched his shirt and it clings to him uncomfortably, "I just...Came from another dance practice. I'm cool. Really. Sorry for being late, let's...Let's get started."

"You should rest," Seungmin says, but Hyunjin simply moves to the middle of the practice room, readjusting his hat. He has no intentions of listening to them, and instead begins to speak.

"So I already learned the whole thing, including your parts, do you guys have anything other than the basics down?" He asks. He knows the company's style, it's to beat the basics in and then move onto the choreography as a whole. It's generally effective but they're on a time crunch due to the release date which, instead of being pushed back like most things, has been pulled forward. They're racing to get everything together, and that's why Hyunjin has no time to rest. He's going to make this the best damn collaboration the KPOP industry has ever seen and make the company regret what they did, regret that they'll never have him again. He's going to shove his perfection in Woojin's face and make _him_ regret that he'll never have him again. This also means getting Narcissus to do an amazing job, and judging by  Seungmin's apologetic expression, Hyunjin has a lot of work to do.

He does. Woojin is taking so long to pick it up, though at least Seungmin is passionate. It's like he's rewinding to high school, when he was young and stupid and smiley and dancing with Woojin until two a.m. It's nostalgic and painful and it _sucks_ because he can't stop comparing now to the past.  Hyunjin feels the bitterness rise up in his throat again as he watched his... _Whatever_ that guy is to him finally ace a move and instinctively smile at him in search of approval. It worsens when he doesn't even hesitate to grin and nod, because that's what it _used_ to be like.

Hyunjin dances and dances and dances until his joints ache and there is so much sweat it looks like he has been in the rain.

If anyone asks, it's because he's passionate about it. It has nothing to do with that damned Kim Woojin.

 

_"Do you want to go to the beach with me?" is what Woojin had asked him. At first, Hyunjin hadn't known how to respond other than a series of overly excited syllables that made very little sense, but it made Woojin laugh loudly and warmly, so he didn't mind so much that his ears were tinted pink. It's not like it's the first time Woojin has taken him out somewhere. They go out together all the time, but this is the first time the older had asked so directly. Normally it was a, do you want to hang out? Or a, what should we do? It had been that way for years, so all in all Hyunjin's pretty certain this is a date and he's _excited _. He wishes he could tell Jeongin all about it, but he has not heard from Jeongin in so long. He misses his best friend, but he refuses to let negative thoughts overtake him._

_Hyunjin wants to have fun, so he puts on a smile along with his blue-and-white shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals and practically skips down the stairs. His hears his mother in the kitchen and skids to a stop, immediately changing his course to the front door in favor of finding her. She's sorting through bills at the counter, and his shoulders droop as he observes the way her fingers tangle in her hair and the tenseness of her shoulders. He's her son and he feels guilty-  Hyunjin's very existence is so much financial stress. So he tugs the smile back on and wraps his arms lightly around her shoulders, resting his chip atop her head. His eyes feel a little misty for some reason but he puts as much of his positive energy as possible into the hug._

_"Good morning, Mama," He says._

_" Hyunjin, you're already up and dressed? I thought you had the day off," She turns, cupping his face with her hands._

_"I do! But Woojinah-hyung is taking me to the beach today~" Hyunjin snuggles her closer, and his mom runs her fingers through his hair. It's _so _relaxing, and he melts into the affection with a sigh._

_"Knowing that boy, he's probably already here. Don't keep him waiting. Tell him I miss him and to come back for dinner again soon! It's been too long. Come home safe, okay?"_

_Woojin is already waiting, and the drive to the beach is pleasant. They sing along to the songs they're learning in training and joke about their trainers and make plans to hang out and hang out and hang out. That's what they like to do and it just makes  Hyunjin's heart flutter with happiness. He's satisfied, almost, with where he is. School is going well, he gets good marks on his trainee reports, he has this guy who is taking him on a date that he really_ really _loves- It's nearly perfect._

_The sound of the crashing waves is so beautiful on his ears when they arrive and Hyunjin shouts in joy, throwing his arms out as he runs across the sand. There aren't many people here at this time of year, or this time of morning, and he stumbles as he turns around to face Woojin with the stupidest, happiest grin on his face. His insides are warm and Hyunjin doesn't think he can feel better. The salty wind in his hair, the taste of the air, the atmosphere, it's just the best. Maybe he's a stupid kid finding joy in the smallest things. Maybe that's not right, but he doesn't care. Woojin's looking at him like he's a little crazy as he just shouts to the open air, but Hyunjin is confident the older will be joining in soon enough._

_" Woojinah-hyung, come on!" He whines, making a grabbing motion with his hands, "Come and get me!"_

_He turns around and_ bolts _across the sand, laughter tearing from his throat at the confused sound he hears from Woojin. A glance back tells him the older is following him and Hyunjin increases his pace, zig-zagging, "You'll never catch me hyung!"_

_"I doubt that!" Woojin shouts, and the game continues until it ends with Woojin tackling Hyunjin\- Surprisingly softly- To the sand, the latter shrieking in surprise as he is finally caught. His lungs burn and ache in the best way and the older trainee is looking at him with mussed hair, wildly bright eyes, and a slightly-open mouth as he pants. Hyunjin's panting too but he couldn't care less as he grabs the other's shirt and pulls himself closer, pressing his salt-tinted lips against Woojin's. It's surprisingly cold, because Woojin was licking his lips before and the breeze cooled the saliva but Hyunjin enjoys the feeling anyway. It's not his first kiss ever, but it's his first with Woojin and his heart nearly explodes when the older wraps one strong arm around his back and cards his fingers through Hyunjin's tangled hair._

_Fuck, Hwang Hyunjin is so in love and he smiles into the kiss he knows he'll never forget._

 

It's not like Hyunjin didn't know, exactly. He saw every sign and every hint, but he refused to let himself believe it. Something in him wanted to pretend like maybe he still had a chance, or- Or _something_ , he doesn't really know but he hates himself for it.

Hyunjin watches, it's what he _does_. He's been watching them for months now as they put this collaboration together, watching them touch and talk and be close and everything he no longer is with  Woojin. He knows that Seungmin is close to Woojin, it only makes sense after all. They're a vocal duo who have gone through tough times together as rookies with only each other to rely on. _Duh_. They're close, that's fine, he doesn't care anymore like he did before this whole mess started, like he did when he was just a spectator to the slow rise of Narcissus. But actually  Hyunjin realizes he cares very very much when their hands tangle together and Woojin smiles at Seungmin in the way that was reserved for _him_.

Hwang Hyunjin.

So why the fuck is Kim Seungmin getting them?

And the answer is obvious. It's obvious in the way that Woojin squeezes Seungmin's hand and picks at the lint on his clothes, fusses over him and pulls him into hugs, carefully touches his face and presses his body so close when they're just _speaking_. But  Hyunjin is denying this, because it hurts so badly that he feels sick to his stomach. He could positively vomit all of the acid and still not feel relieved because it won't make it go away. He watches as Seungmin lays his head on Woojin's shoulder as the older belts out his lines like the apparent-pro he is. He watches as Woojin's hand places itself on the other boy's thigh and something beautifully fond makes its way into his expression. He watches as those brown eyes shower Seungmin with love and-

Hyunjin can't breathe when he finally thinks of the words he's been avoiding.

_They're dating. They're together._ He feels so betrayed. If, if things had not gone the way they did with  Woojin, maybe Hyunjin would be less offended. Maybe it would hurt less if they could have parted ways with a smile, or at least less fucking _betrayal_ and _utter disregard for Hyunjin as a human being_. His ears are rushing with blood and he wants to stand up and walk right over to Seungmin and warn him of the monster that lurks inside of his oh-so-precious boyfriend. The one that breaks people and doesn't even glance at the pieces. The one that literally ruins lives. But then again, Hyunjin is the only one who has ever brought that out in Kim Woojin. No matter how he looks at it, no matter who he ever talked to, no one ever had an experience quite like him and he knows that no matter what, the older will not do to Seungmin as he did to Hyunjin.

A cold tear runs down his cheek before he can stop it. He had no ideas tears could be cold.

He hastily stands, turning away from the others so they cannot see him shattering. He is in pain. He needs out of the suffocating room.

"Are you okay?" Seungmin questions with his beautiful voice. _God damn it_ , he's just so perfect for Woojin in all the ways Hyunjin never was.

"Yeah, I just, I need to go, I'm sorry, something came up- Good luck practicing, okay?" He rambles and stumbles over his words as he grabs his bag and shuts the door behind him before any protest can be made. The next thing Hyunjin knows, he's _running_ , joints aching and exhausted muscles weighing him down. He's hiccuping, sobbing. He needs his best friend. Jisung's workspace is not far from the company building, and he is never anywhere else. Hyunjin pushes himself to move faster, dodging people and animals and cars and _things_. He needs  Jisung, to comfort him, to make this go away for just a little while. He has a key, of course he does. They trust each other with their lives, so he shoves it into the keyhole and lets himself right in.

His heart drops at the sight of Han Jisung greedily pressing his lips to Lee Minho's, the two tangled around each other in the recording studio. At the sound of the door bursting open, both pull back, and neither are expecting to see Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin isn't expecting to see Minho, and just seeing his two friends kissing each other like there is nothing else to the world twists his heart even more and his cries get louder as he stumbles backwards.

"Hyunjin, wait-" Minho starts to say, but he turns and flees.

Since when did they know each other that well anyway?

 

_It's been raining but Hyunjin and Woojin are in his backyard anyway, sitting on his damp porch. Kkami is frolicking in the wet grass and Hyunjin can just imagine all of the mud he's gonna need to wipe off before he lets the dog inside. They sit in relative silence, enjoying the scent of fresh rain together. There's rumors of a debut group getting picked out of the male trainees going around recently, and the stress of it really is getting to them both. Hyunjin's worked hard, but he knows Woojn's worked harder and for longer. He has full faith that Woojin, at least, will be in this group, but himself? Less likely. It's hard to admit, but Hyunjin knows the company never sees his skills, just his face. He resents it._

_His heart beats a little faster when he feels Woojin's fingers suddenly tangle with his own. He looks up, startled, but he melts at the older's smile. Hyunjin just can't help it. Woojin is just the person that has that effect on him. No one else has and he doubts very much they ever would. Still, he twists his lips into a playful pout and puts his face in the crook of the other's neck, breathing slowly. Moments like these are the best, because Hyunjin can just be himself and feel happy. There's no one to impress and no one to let down, either. Just him and Woojin in this little world. He remembers when they first got to know each other- He was so much more of a child then. He thinks it's amazing how much he's grown up in that time. A lot of it has to do with Woojin, actually. His influence on others is something amazing, and not even Hwang Hyunjin could escape._

_He thinks he's changed for the better._

_At the same time, being a trainee has changed him a lot too. It's hard, being told how badly you're doing all the time. Showing up late to school because you have a lesson scheduled and your trainers won't let you leave. Not eating and lying to your mom that it's everything you dreamed of and smiling when you want to cry your eyes out instead. Something in that line of thought is so tiring, but Hyunjin knows that Woojin understands and it's such a comfort. Without Kim Woojin, he could never be as far as he is now, and he refuses to give up. Hyunjin will be a singer, and he refuses to stop until he is._

_"What are you thinking about so hard?" Woojin asks quietly, his free hand tapping Hyunjin's thigh. A sigh drops from his lips._

_"Our future," He replies breathlessly. His eyes widen because that's not what he means to say but before he can correct himself, the older is speaking._

_"Our?"_

_"Yeah, the one where we're world-class idols performing a world tour," Woojin laughs, but Hyunjin continues insistently, "No, really hyung! Just think about it. Isn't it so close you can just taste it? We're going to be on stage, singing our hearts out and dancing until we collapse. People will look up to us. We'll be role models. We can become inspiration for others, and make them want to be singers, too. Isn't that amazing? All of this work is really leading somewhere. Once we get to the end of this line, we start on a new one, a new path. Just a little while longer. We just have to hold on a little while longer."_

_" Jinnie dreams so big," Woojin says, and he turns his head so their lips meet and Hyunjin's world explodes with fireworks._

 

It's been days since Hyunjin admitted to himself that Woojin and Seungmin are, in fact, a couple. He can't help himself from bitterly congratulating all of the shipper fans he sees online because, _for once_ , their "ship is real." Not that he tells them, but he knows and it sucks a lot. He avoids them as much as he can, but it's hard when you're collaborating with someone. So he reestablishes himself as the Hwang Hyunjin that doesn't want anything out of this deal other than money and popularity. He knows he made a mistake when he let his guard down and got comfortable with Seungmin, Chan, Changbin, hell, even Felix- He let them see who he was and that opened him up to be vulnerable to Woojin again. He refuses to let this happen, and so he becomes just as closed off as he was day one when when being in that building made him so physically sick that Minho rubbed his thigh comfortingly.

Seungmin seems hurt at the change, but Woojin only appears disappointed.

That makes Hyunjin so _angry_. Why does he feel so superior that he gets to be disappointed in  Hyunjin? But God, Hyunjin's angry at more than just Woojin.

Minho and Jisung. Until he walked in on them _making out_ , Hyunjin was only aware of them meeting two times. Once when Minho picked him up from Jisung's studio and once when Jisung attended a dance competition both Hyunjin's and Minho's groups had participated in. Apparently those two times were enough for them to hit it off and _never tell him_. It hurts. It hurts that his two best friends, legitimately the only reasons he has yet to die of starvation or loneliness, literally got together without telling him. It's not like  Hyunjin is entitled to know everything about their private lives, he's well aware of that and even thinks that's a good thing. But it really hurts that they didn't tell him, that they kept it a secret when it is so clearly serious-

Or maybe it isn't serious and they're just sleeping together. Hyunjin doesn't care, it makes his heart actually ache so badly that he worries a heartstring might snap. He's quickly on his way to nowhere as he walks through the streets, head down and body feeling too heavy. Hyunjin thinks looking up will take too much energy that he doesn't have, so he relies purely on looking at the feet of others to navigate. Either he'll see their feet in his way and move just in time, or they'll get out of his way. It's not foolproof but he doesn't care or even really realize this until he hits another body and is sent sprawling to the ground.

"Ow, _shit_ ," He hisses, rubbing a hand over his forehead and beanie. His tailbone hurts like a bitch, but he thinks he'll be fine. He looks at the person he's run into, who is in a similar position across from him. Their eyes meet and it's impossible to _not_ recognize him.

"Hyunjin hyung?" Jeongin asks and Hyunjin very nearly breaks into tears at that moment. Yang Jeongin has grown up _so damn much_ since they parted ways all those years ago, but his eyes are still the same and he's missed them so badly.

"Innie," He whispers back, and Jeongin's smile is beautiful. He doesn't wear braces anymore.

This is how Hyunjin finds himself in a coffee shop across from his childhood best friend, sipping on an espresso he was beyond embarrassed and ashamed to say he could not afford. It's not often that he feels inferior because of his monetary situation but he's the hyung. He knows he should be treating Jeongin to this surprise-reunion coffee but he literally does not have even one drink's worth of money on him _or_ in his bank. All of his money is currently shoved deep in the back of his freezer, awaiting for the day his landlord comes for rent. At first he just says he isn't hungry but his stomach makes noises at the scent of food he has not had in a long while- When you're struggling this much, you cannot afford luxuries like coffee and a blueberry muffin- And his throat closes up as he vaguely says he doesn't have the money.  Hyunjin feels Jeongin reevaluate him immediately, taking in his old workout pants, the ratty hoodie, the beanie, and it makes his cheeks color but the younger just smiles and says he owes Hyunjin a lot and wanted to pay anyway.

Hyunjin wants to melt into the ground when Jeongin pulls a platinum card out of a Gucci wallet. _The tables have really turned_ , he thinks.

But it's so good to see him again, to hear his voice. It distracts him from everything that is going on in his life, because the boy wisely does not try to dig into what he's up to. Instead of asking how things have gone since Jeongin moved away, he brings up old times they spent together and explains how he's ended up in Seoul again. Hyunjin really isn't surprised that he's become influential in the art community. He's always had a talent for these things, and he's _so proud_ of him.

They can't avoid the lull in the conversation though, after another espresso and probably too many "snacks," as Jeongin calls them. Hyunjin knows he's eaten a full meal by now and it feels so good to have a full stomach. But this is where Hyunjin is supposed to talk about himself, and so he starts with his mother dying just months before he graduates, followed by the uncertain months that followed graduation where he was between a homeless shelter and his job's back room on the nights his boss kept the shop open for twenty-four hours, meeting Lee Minho, forming the dance group C-UP with a couple of dancer friends, beginning to underground rap as Jin.2.It, meeting Han Jisung- And he comes to a stop because he's at the present and still...

"I don't wanna pressure you, hyung, but there are a few things missing from that story," Jeongin's eyes are intimidating, the same way they always are when he doesn't smile, "When I left, you were a trainee and...You haven't talked about him once."

Hyunjin must give credit where it's due- Jeongin isn't stupid, or the kid he was when they parted ways. A watery smile pulls at his lips and he says,

"Being in love hurt so badly, Jeongin."

 

_Three a.m. is so late, but here Hyunjin is with Woojin again. Being a trainee is like that, after all. They've been here since five p.m., and that's even later than many other days. They need to get this extra practice in, it's essential. Trainee evaluations are coming up, and everyone knows if you fail to show improvement that you'll get cut. That's just how it is here, and they're determined to show the best sides of themselves. Hyunjin is confident that if they do, they'll get to debut together. That's his biggest dream, his ultimate goal. Standing on stage will be amazing enough, but to do it with Woojin by his side? He simply can't imagine anything better, and he can't stop the laugh that escape from his cracked lips. Woojin looks at him questioningly, but he bites his bottom lip and shakes his head. At this, the older frowns._

_They are laying on the practice room floor, drenched with sweat and muscles trembling. Woojin scoots closer but Hyunjin rolls away, placing his chin in his arms and looking at Woojin with his grin hidden. This makes him pout and he reaches a hand out. Hyunjin avoids the wiggling fingers by tilting his body back just a little. Their eyes meet and it's a declaration of war. Woojin stretches farther and he arches his back to just barely escape. He's ready for the lunge that follows, flipping his body over twice to stay free. Woojin's resultant laugh is incredulous, and there's an endless stream of giggles pouring from Hyunjin's lips. He watches, so the moment Woojin starts to move to his knees he throws himself to his feet, but the older isn't far behind._

_Hyunjin runs all around the practice room even though he's exhausted and there is an ache deep in his bones. His legs can hardly support his weight but he doesn't care, because he feels _ alive _in this moment. There's something in the thrill of not only being chased, but of being with his hyung that makes every nerve in his body alight with life. He feels everything, good and bad all at once, and it's the most amazing feeling._

_He can take on the world like this, because he is dead on his feet and could climb to the top of the sky in this moment. Hyunjin can touch the stars and hold them close, whisper to them all of his secrets and how much he loves the man that is making this feeling possible. They'll burn, sure, but it's so worth it because he's going to say it to someone that isn't just them. He is proud of being in love, he wears it well and basks in the glow. Love isn't easy all the time, because his heart tugs when the boy he loves is in pain and tired, but it's so worth it._

_This all being said, Woojin is larger than Hyunjin even is his legs are not necessarily longer, and he can only escape him in this small practice room for so long. He ends up trapped against the mirrors, their body heat fogging it up immediately. Their hot breaths mingle as they pant and laugh. Woojin collapses into his arms and it's so sweaty and gross, both their skin and clothes but they can't stop even as they gasp for breath. This is what it's like to reach that natural high with someone you love, Hyunjin realizes with glee, and it's _amazing _. Their energies come together, mix and become unidentifiable from one another._

_God, Hyunjin's tired. He loves it._

 

Somewhere between filming for the music video and a minor trip to the hospital after he collapses during a performance with C-UP, Hyunjin realizes he's made up with Minho and Jisung. They've told him how they actually bonded over being mutually eternally-concerned for one certain Hwang Hyunjin, and sort of developed crushes because Lee Minho is Lee Minho and Han Jisung is Han Jisung, which he can sort of relate to. It helps that he's reconnected with Jeongin, who is a neutral third party and keeps his head straight. They didn't tell him because they didn't want him to feel like a third wheel when he was the one that brought them together. Which he sort of gets and that's why he doesn't try to hold onto it too much. _Too much_ , being the keyword. He still holds a little resentment but that's not something he wants to worry about too much. After all, the music video is being dropped at midnight.

(Also they banded together to pay the hospital bill which he desperately needed so he figures he can go easy on them.)

Truthfully, Hyunjin plans on sleeping when it releases but he's a little anxious about it. He's not sure how much he's thought through revealing Jin.2.It's face to the public. He knows that people will first make the connection of Jin.2.It and Hyunjin of C-UP. Then there will be digging by netizens and someone will pull up that he is also the famous former NJB Entertainment trainee, _Hwang Hyunjin_, who left _oh so suddenly_. There even may be questions of why he's working with his old company. Those things shouldn't mean much to him, other than that they could potentially bring more attention to him, and thus more money which he's in desperate need of. There's no reason for him to feel to anxious about the whole thing.

Maybe it's that he's really nervous about having to perform on stage with Woojin. Hyunjin doesn't know.

What he does know is that at midnight he immediately clicks the music video and watches with rapt attention. Minho and Jisung are with him even though they, too, had agreed to sleep through the release. Instead, here they are, one on each side. Minho's hand rests on his thigh, and Jisung leans into his shoulder. It starts out with cool individual shots of Woojin and Seungmin, and their vocals are strong and attractive enough to send shivers down his spine, no matter how many times he's heard this song before. It's fascinating to watch the final product after having seen the whole filming process. It had been exhausting then, Seungmin ill at the time of filming. There are no traces of that stomach bug here, he looks effortless and beautiful and Woojin's visuals suit the aesthetic of the video just perfectly.

Then Hyunjin sees himself on the screen, watches his undernourished body (It looks surprisingly good anyway, only he and his friends would notice) dance and hears himself rap the powerful lyrics. He watches.

He watches the close-up of his lips as he performs the lines, the fierceness in his eyes as they make contact with the camera.

Hyunjin feels lost when the tears spill down his cheeks. At first, he really can't tell why he's crying, just that he is, quietly. Neither of his friends _comment_ on it, exactly, but the hand on his thigh begins to rub in soothing circles and  Jisung snuggles closer, wrapping an arm around his middle. No ones eyes move from the phone screen even after it goes dark, Hyunjin's small sniffles echoing in his apartment. Kkami licks his feet and toes in concern. His heart is twisting this way and that, his sweaty hands making the cellphone wet and hard to keep a grip on. He just can't figure out why he feels so sad until he realizes,

"I wanted this so long ago."

And speaking it breaks the dam, he curls over his knees and sobs into his hands even as Kkami yips and curls up on his feet, even as his best friends hug him and run their fingers through his hair. For years, it was his dream, to be an idol. To be in music videos like this. If it wasn't for Woojin, this is how it could have been. Hyunjin could be living a totally different life right now, one where C-UP and Jin.2.It don't exist and never did, where he is starving because of diets and not because he can't afford food, where his first music video doesn't rip his heart out at twelve-oh-four in the morning. It hurts him so badly, to know how warped and twisted his dreams have become to put him in this state. Hyunjin wants to be sixteen and hopeful again. He wants to live in his house and tell his mom _I love you_ and play tug-of-war with  Kkami and have sleepovers with Jeongin and sing in practice rooms with Woojin and look at the older like he hung the fucking stars in the sky. But he lost that life and is stuck living this one and Hyunjin _swears_ he doesn't hate it but it's so hard to live and he's just _sad_ and _beaten down_ -

He cries until he falls asleep around one a.m., the tears still sticky on his pretty face.

 

_They are called out in the middle of training exercises, and Hyunjin can admit it's a little terrifying._

_The day starts out normally enough. The training schedule is busy today since it's Saturday and there is no high school cutting into his day. From stretches to vocal, dance to rap, group to individual, Hyunjin is so busy but it's fine. He has a huge project due in his Korean class in three days that he hasn't started, but it's fine, he can manage it. These days, training takes precedence, and if he really struggles Woojin will help him. Hyunjin is confident in that if nothing else, and it warms him from the inside out. He's so in love, an absolute fool, but it's the best feeling. He is nearly eighteen now, and he recalls being fourteen and just getting to know the older trainee. Things have changed so much between them, so mch more intimate and soft and he never imagined such a pretty romance._

_So he's busy and stressed, but he's hopeful and happy too. That makes everything so very worth it._

_Besides, those rumors of a new boy group are strengthening, and he needs to make it past this next evaluation with high marks if he wants a good chance. Hyunjin needs to show his charms, the best sides of him so he can finally debut. He's confident that if he debuts, he can become a top star, and if he does that, well, isn't that just the biggest dream he's ever had come true? Maybe his mom will finally hold his face in her hands like when he was little and kiss his nose and tell him how proud of him she is. He knows she still feels this way, his mother loves him more than life itself, but it's been so long since she's done that. Hyunjin hasn't really done anything for her to be proud of lately, though, the past few years have just been the same thing- School and training and Woojin and school and training and Woojin. He's been static all this time, so if he can manage to make this debut team, she'll be relieved and smile. She won't look so worn down and sick all of the time._

_He's thinking too much, he can tell because he feels Woojin's large hand wrap around his wrist and start to massage his palm. Hyunjin smiles at the older. They're currently at group dance practice, a bunch of the trainees all together. Woojin stands next to him as the front line shows off their rendition of the choreography, and he can't help but wince at the myriad of mistakes they make. Their trainer doesn't look happy either, and Hyunjin makes a mental note to approach those trainees after the lesson so he can personally teach them the nuances of the choreo that they are so clearly missing. Woojin huffs through his nose at the expression on Hyunjin's face, which makes his skin flush. He directs his eyes shyly to the ground._

_"What?" He asks, quietly enough that no one around them can hear._

_"You're just so obvious," Woojin replies in an amused tone._

_But then the door opens and Hyunjin's eyes snap to the front of the room. The vocal trainer is standing there, and her expression is not pleasant as she locks her eyes on him. He swallows thickly._

_"Hwang Hyunjin, Kim Woojin come with me. Shim wants to see you," Hyunjin's mouth goes dry, and he's too terrified to look at Woojin even if the older is right by his side. Shim mean the trainee manager Shim, the one that talks to the trainees when there are problems, the one that cuts them from the company if he thinks he needs to, the one that has been so pressuring he has had countless of his friends quit because they were under his scrutiny. Shim's office is the last place you want to be, especially when you're drenched in sweat and trembling in workout clothes. The fear gripping his heart is tremendous as they follow their vocal trainer from the room, practice bags in hand. Hyunjin can hardly think straight as they are marched through the halls, but then Woojin's lacing their fingers together and he dares to look into his warm, comforting eyes._

_Woojin nods at him with that smile that shows off his imperfect teeth, and  Hyunjin steels his will as they stop in front of Shim's door._

_He's ready to face whatever is behind it._

_(He quickly learns that he is not, in fact, ready.)_

 

Hair, make-up, clothes, being pinched and pulled this way and that- Getting ready for a live performance is nearly as exhausting as the actual performance will be, Hyunjin thinks to himself as the stylists inspect him from every angle. They are never satisfied and it makes him uneasy. He looks desperately towards Minho, his ever-faithful sort-of-pseudo manager, but he's dealing with calls that have been coming in since the MV released. This is exactly what was promised, when they first made the deal to do this collaboration. Hyunjin wants to feel happy about it, but he can't. He can't because the world must literally hate him since most of the calls are offers for _modeling_ and that is the last thing  Hyunjin wants.

He doesn't want to be known for his fucking face.

So he has no backup as he is poked and prodded. It's uncomfortable, yet in the back of his mind he hears the voice that whispers _if if wasn't for Woojin, you probably would be used to this by now._ Hyunjin wishes desperately that he didn't know it to be true, wishes he didn't have the facts to back it up but he does and the same way he has been for years, he must live with it. His tired eyes wander around the dressing room and they meet with Seungmin. He is speaking around all of the makeup brushes, like they aren't even there. His expression is so genuinely pleased, he looks delighted to be there even though Hyunjin knows he only slept for an hour the night before. It's admirable, he thinks. Seungmin is very _bright_. He matches well with  Woojin's calm depths.

That thought makes him physically sick, but he still smiles when Seungmin gives him an energetic nod and mouths " _fighting_ " at him. He looks so damn _confident_ , but Hyunjin knows there's a good reason behind that confidence. After all, this collaboration single is all over the tops of the charts. Their music video has millions of views, so many positive comments praising both Narcissus and Jin.2.It. The amount of likes on Youtube is higher every time he looks. It's impressive, because while Narcissus is a fairly solid group they don't really get attention like that. It's a success, the whole project. Looking at the numbers, looking at how many fans have come to the live performance despite the time of the recording, it's sincerely a success. And yet, it just doesn't feel like one to Hyunjin.

He really just feels tired, especially when he sees Woojin pacing around, practicing his lines over and over. Jeongin has suggested forgiving the older, to let things go so Hyunjin can live a happier life. Maybe that could make these next eight weeks of promotions easier. But this hatred and resentment has grown up so strongly over time that truly, Hyunjin isn't sure he has even an inkling of control over it any more.

And suddenly in the middle of his thoughts they are being pushed towards the stage, the stylists still pulling his hair, adjusting his clothes, more foundation and blush here and there. Hyunjin's heart races and his hands shake. He isn't ready to strut onto that stage like he owns it. Minho's presence is reassuring just at his side, his fellow dancer brushing his bangs out of his eyes and glaring intensely at the groaning hairstylists. He rests one hand on Hyunjin's waist, the other around the back of his neck and locks their gazes together.

"You still have a few minutes while the last group performs. Breathe, Hyunjinnie," He says, a coy smile playing at his lips, "You've danced and rapped in front of crowds before."

"Not like this," Hyunjin manages.

"Sure," Minho agrees, "But you'll steal everyone's eyes. Just watch."

Minho is being pushed away now, and Hyunjin reaches just slightly for him. Sour saliva floods his mouth.

"Live your dream, dumbass," He calls with a dazzling smile, and it just manages to pull a giggle and grin from him. He inhales deeply, feeling the way his chest expands and the air fills every open space in him. His muscles are pushed against, and they ache a little, but in a somewhat-pleasant way. Hyunjin's scared, but he knows he can do this even as he takes a step forward and comes face-to-face with Woojin.

"You can do this, there's no need to be nervous," He speaks earnestly, drawing a snide laugh from Hyunjin.

"Yeah, I can, but I don't need _your_ reassurance to know that. I stopped looking for your comfort when you chose all this over me,  Woojinah-hyung," The formerly affectionate nickname positively drips with poison, and Seungmin is watching the tense interaction with wide eyes, "You made your choice. You've lived with it this long, haven't you? Don't try to be my hero now. I needed you _then_. You broke everything, and that shit includes my stupid heart.  Seungmin is good for you, by the way. I'm glad you didn't lead him on- I'm glad you're not ashamed of _him_ the way you were of me."

And Hyunjin walks confidently onto the stage, ignoring the tears that push against his eyes. He can cry again later.

 

_The words are even scarier than he imagined they would be, Hyunjin realizes as he and Woojin stand in front of the trainee manager. He looks so intimidating, in his dark clothes and scowling expression. He gulps while they wait for him to stop just _staring _at the two of them. He recognizes that look- It's the same look he wears when he himself is watching, intently. Looking for something specific. Evaluating someone, their situation, what they're doing. It's so familiar and that makes it all the worse as he waits for whatever is going to be said. He cannot help the way his back is ramrod stiff, and his fists are clenched at his side. He waits for the minute change of the expression, the shift in body language. Hyunjin spots it with the thinning of Shim's lips and the push back of his shoulders, and prepares himself. He isn't ready, though, at all, when he hears it,_

_"Kim Woojin and Hwang Hyunjin. Seventeen and nineteen respectively. Vocal, then rap and dance. You're two of the most powerful trainees, especially with Hwang's pretty boy look. You're ideal to have in a group, all of the right features and good points. That's what makes this whole situation such a shame. Woojin, remind me, how long have you been a trainee again? Not just at this company, the ones before here, too."_

_"Nearly seven years, sir," Woojin responds stiffly._

_"And Hyunjin? We're nearly at four now, right?" He nods, eyes narrowed just a bit as he tries to read the game that is being played. Yet, Hyunjin is lost, being dragged along like some foolish prey. He is already in the lion's mouth, "You both must be so damn desperate to debut. Together that makes well over a decade of training. Over half of your lives each. So much sweat and blood invested, so many tears. The hours alone must be insane! The dedication and passion it takes is sincerely amazing. You two have done so well over this time. I'm impressed."_

_They both know that it's not a compliment. Hyunjin can't stop himself from rocking back and forth slightly on his heels as he attempts to figure out just _what _it is instead. He's so very conscious of Woojin's presence right next to him, and has to literally dig his nails into his palm so he doesn't reach for his hand to seek comfort._

_"The truth is, those rumors of a new group debuting are true. We were even basing the whole band around the two of you, picking the other members based on how well they would fit your visuals, how they would make up for your weaknesses and support your strengths," Shim tosses profiles on his desk. There are nine in total. His own and Woojin's are printed on a better, glossier paper. They stand out, but the word _were _also stands out to Hyunjin and makes his throat begin to close on him. _No no no _rings in his head like a bell. He can't bring himself to look at his boyfriend, "We were so damn confident. You two were supposed to lead our next generation of groups. But then things became like this...Tell me, why are there so many strange rumors about you two?"_

_"Rumors?" Hyunjin breathes in confusion. No, no, there are no rumors that he's heard, and he hears everything._

_"Yes, rumors. About how,_ ah _, strange you two are together. Your...Chemistry. Plainly put, the other trainees say you're dating and we just can't accept that," Hyunjin is actually watching his world crumble around him. He stares straight ahead, not changing his expression. His gaze focuses on the succulent pot sitting in the windowsill, "Naturally, we want to terminate both of your trainee contracts immediately. We don't allow that sort of behavior here, whether the rumors are truthful or not, and you could take us to court, sure, but would you win? No. But here's the catch- We can't afford to lose the both of you. Like I said, you're two of our best."_

_Hyunjin...Is caught in a riptide. His ribs crack and his lungs fill with water as he tries to desperately stay alive in this situation._

_"I would like to ask for curiosity's sake- Are you dating?"_

_"No," Woojin speaks the lie so flawlessly, even Hyunjin almost believes him. He doesn't know why, but it puts a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach._

_"Right, of course not. Well, I will offer this- One of you may stay with the company, and debut. If you do exactly as we say, we can guarantee your debut. This, of course, means cutting off contact with whoever_ doesn't _stay with us. That's one option. The other is that we drop both of you. Neither of you will stay and you're free to do whatever disgusting things you want in your own time. Don't speak," Shim raises a hand when Hyunjin opens his mouth, "Think, for a few moments."_

_But Hyunjin doesn't want to think. He already knows his answer. Debuting, being an idol, this is his life dream. The thing he has been waiting for, for years now, is sitting right in front of him. He can ensure his debut right here and now, _finall _y, and his mother will cup his face, kiss his nose, and say she's proud of him. He's so close to the finish line, or rather, his new start line. It's a blissful thought, one that gives meaning to these long and hard years. He can just_ feel _it as he closes his eyes, the energy thrumming in his body as the crowd screams his name, moving in time with the beat, spitting out rap lyrics and lighting the stage on fire. It's beautiful, and close enough to touch. It's exciting, so fucking thrilling and Hyunjin feels the scream building in his throat-_

_Because Kim Woojin is even better than that. Woojin makes him feel happier than that. He makes his heart soar and puts him on cloud nine. He makes those hard-to-take breaths in practice rooms worth it. Hyunjin's world will be darker without the older in it, he's certain. He is only this far because of his fellow trainee, his dear boyfriend, his rock and his pillar. He can't even begin to doubt it. Woojin is too many good memories to just get rid of him. From being fourteen and clinging around his neck to _kissing _that neck while laying on his bed. They have spent the years together, grown up so much, and Hyunjin can't bear to push it all away. The notion of choosing faceless fans over Woojin's lips on his is crazy. He wants to spend every day in the older's arms, to try every experience the world has to offer. Hyunjin is in love, and he refuses to trade that for his dream. He much prefers to build a new dream, with Woojin by his side._

_A sigh breaks through his lips and he opens his eyes to stare straight at the trainee manager. Shim is raising a brow._

_"I'm going to ask a question, and I want you to both answer me at the same time. Are we clear?" Hyunjin feels his heart swelling when they nod in unison. Neither he nor Woojin are hesitating for even a moment, and he knows he's making the right choice, "Alright boys. Are either of you willing to take the deal?"_

_"No," Hyunjin says confidently at the same time that Woojin speaks the word _yes _, and everything shatters._

 

Hyunjin watches.

It's what he does. That's why he sits on his couch with Kkami and watches _that man's_ name rise in the search rankings. That's why he watches Narcissus go to interviews and on variety shows and music shows. There are even some award ceremonies here and there. Months ago, the collaboration was just _that_ successful- For the vocal duo, anyway. Jin.2.It made good money off of it, yes, and so many brand deal offers he could not begin to describe. But every single offer like that disgusted him, and while maybe it was a mistake to turn them down, he did.  Hyunjin will sooner starve to death than leave his face as his legacy. He was offered by a few companies to sign on, but they refused to let him bring on Minho as his manager and Jisung as his producer. It's not worth it, he explains to them even as his friends shake their heads in disappointment. But it's not.

Hyunjin just can't bear to use people and leave them behind. He cannot and will not ever understand that. He could never be Kim Woojin. He knows it- It would kill him, to be so damn cruel. So Hyunjin does not sign to any companies, uses the money he made in the collaboration to buy better equipment for him to work with, and returns to life as Hyunjin of C-UP and the underground rapper Jin.2.It. People know who he is now, so it's not totally the same. He is stared at as he walks on the streets, gets stopped for autographs, high school girls squeal when he is around. Everyone knows Jin.2.It dances in C-UP. But honestly it's just sort of like he's had a really good few months busking. He has enough money for rent, new clothes, and two meals a day. It's been a while but it's not a foreign concept to him.

He isn't stupid. He knows his next releases will be more popular than his previous ones, but the two enjoying real success are Woojin and Seungmin.

Hyunjin doesn't talk to them. There's no need to, after all. It was a _blast_ while it lasted, really, but  Hyunjin is fucking done dealing with old heartbreaks. He's ready to go the rest of his life without ever speaking the name Woojin again. It's a shame that Seungmin is connected to the asshat, actually- Hyunjin still likes him as a person. Were things different, he thinks they could be friends. The same can be said of Chan, Changbin, and Felix but this is his sad life and he'll be sticking to Minho, Jisung, and Jeongin, thank you.

It honestly isn't hard for him to admit how embittered he still is, how much worse it's gotten. It's difficult, to see Woojin's face plastered everywhere. So little has changed for Hyunjin but now Narcissus is enjoying worldwide fame. He truly wants to be happy, but Hyunjin just doesn't know _how_ to get there.

He's trying. He has Kkami. He has his friends. He now has food and clothes and shelter for a few months at least.

But Hyunjin doesn't have the person who holds the shattered remains of his heart. He doesn't have victory over that man, either. He does not have his dreams or his mother telling him how proud she is or hundreds of thousands of fans chanting his name. He has been left with nothing again. So here he is, watching Woojin's latest interview. He watches the elder's lips form his name.

_"And I really wish to thank Jin.2.It, who has made this all possible. If it weren't for Hyunjin-ah, I couldn't be here right now_," The interviewer nods, and Hyunjin snorts.

The bitch has no idea, and no one ever will.

Hyunjin runs a hand through his hair and keeps watching.


End file.
